Bring back slavery, Asa Hutchinson, illegal immigrants and McDonald's

This first installment is dedicated to the late great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, possibly the first and last of the self realized freethinking maverick journalists, a true warrior poet. I spark a bowl to your memory Duke.

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While I was watching C-SPAN (along with the three other people on the planet) the other day, Homeland Security Undersecretary for Border and Transportation Security, Asa Hutchinson was being asked about illegal immigrants in Danbury Connecticut by a woman on the call-in line. He proceeded with a well rehearsed recitation of what's being done to curtail this activity, but he failed to mentioned why all those illegal immigrants are flooding the streets of Utah, Colorado, California, and the Northeast. They're coming because no self-respecting American will work for $5.15 an hour any longer. These immigrants take and keep the jobs that your average US teenager will only lower themselves to do for a week or two before getting their check and never showing up again. Leaving the manager stranded while they go back to playing with their Xbox’s and text messaging their friends -- no real motivation there. But a woman from Guatemala with three kids will think twice before she gives you any lip when you tell her she must stay till 2 a.m. to clean up, and then be back in the morning at 6 a.m. She's just glad to get those leftover hamburgers (that she only has to pay half-price for) to take home to her kids, which are fattening up nicely.

Although this quasi-underground illegal labor force has always existed in the United States, and surely Texas and Florida would still be wastelands without them, only now are they spreading to those rather isolated communities that were once so blissfully ignorant of these invading hordes. But we can't afford to round up these foreigners and run them out of town on a rail yet, because then who will work the 7-11s, and the nursing homes, and the vegetable station in the kitchen of my favorite restaurant. But the Homeland security Department is under pressure to put an end to this (okay well not really). But if they were serious about enforcing the law, things would change with frightening rapidity across this country.

Perhaps it's time we took a hard look at bring back slavery (everywhere but in the south of course because they've already had their share). Why not take advantage of all these people dying in the Sudan. There's a huge untapped resource that could be enlisted to take care of our kids, clean our houses and work our jobs, so we can concentrate our efforts on the important things like watching NASCAR, drinking beer and abusing our women. All we need do is feed those poor ignorant bastards. Come on, I mean they're going to die anyway; we'll be doing them a favor and continuing a proud tradition in the bargain. The South will rise again in Philadelphia and Kennebunkport and Portland and Grass Valley and Wyoming. It was after all the American way, and why should we continue with this pretense at maintaining an independent labor force. Think of the lives we'll save and how grateful they'll be. They'll hardly even mind when we sell off their teenagers to run our fast food establishments.

Never underestimate the power of burgers and fries. Mickey Dees need only erect a restaurant in the Darfur region and we'll have those darkies lining up faster than you can say free hamburgers. The Sudan is ripe for corporate exploitation in this regard, after all how many places in the world can you go and buy a woman for a Big Mac and a Coke, that's better than Vegas. Corporate hacks will be quick to negotiate the lowest possible price for a starving infant, driving the exchange rate down to a profitable 1 to 1 (one African kid for one Happy Meal).


Hell, we won't even have to waste our good Argentinian beef and sawdusty buns on those poor starving bastards. They'll be delighted with a blender full of maggot milkshake and a side of bull testicle purée they serve on Fear Factor. Surely they'll be grateful to God for the high-quality protein. What a steal this will be for the Golden Arches, but they don't call him the Hamburglar for nothing. Carnival Cruise Lines can establish a whole new oceanic route, transporting our new workforce across the Atlantic -- the middle passage revisited. And they'll be no need for those costly frills and amenities like beds and bathrooms and Windows. Just pack them in and chain them down, like we did in the good old days. I can't see an Arkansas son of the South like Asa Hutchinson objecting to that.

Another lady asked Asa why we can't use "a non-federalized National Guard" to protect our borders from illegal immigration. Hutchinson showed no hesitation in supporting the use of troops inside US borders, within reason of course. How exciting it will be having heavily armed teenagers straight out Pizza Hut and Papa John's roaming US streets miss-quoting George C. Scott playing George S. Patton, "I'm here to make the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."

But what Asa carefully avoided mentioning, is that this would never be feasible because nobody's pizzas or dry-cleaning or sod or drinks would ever arrive in a timely manner. And tens of thousands of toddlers will be wandering the street unsupervised after their nannies are picked up and packed off to concentration camps to await deportation. That's all America needs, a bunch of delinquent tots becoming highway fodder, and some overzealous West Virginia national guardsmen shooting out my tires while I'm trying to pick up the maid. But on the bright side, with the new slave trade you'll have no problem acquiring a cheap replacement for your run over infant, as long as you don't mind the dark complexion.