Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Terri Schiavo: America's patron saint of bulimia

After much contemplation and soul-searching, surpassing even that of Pinellas County circuit court Judge George Greer, I've come to the inescapable conclusion that Terri Schiavo got exactly what she wanted, deserved and most feared.

As an alleged bulimic, who was attempting to gain control over her life while at the same time gaining much needed recognition for her outer beauty, she wound up purging herself into cardiac arrest. Apparently bulimics as a group have less gray matter in their brain case than the average human, but I think she took it too far with a 25% reduction in brain volume.

Although the bulimic Terri would be delighted at the loss of weight achieved through this liquefying of brain matter, unfortunately her actual weight has been horrifyingly increased by her lack of activity. In her current state she has achieved the equivalent of an overfed frozen butterball turkey. It is perhaps fortunate that she is unaware of her current condition. Conversely it's unfortunate that the Terri who craved recognition will never know the worldwide fame she's achieved. How proud she would be. Oh, the irony.

According to all those Republican and Christian fundamentalist pundits out there, Terri Schiavo has been crying out for help over the last 11 days. Of course she speaks only in tongues which seemingly only her parents can interpret. But I did hear a recording of her voice posted by that esteemed seeker of truth, Matt Drudge, and I believe I could just hear Terri saying "Those liberal bastards are killing me, save me from these godless heathens," the interpretation of these utterances having been confirmed by evangelical serpent handlers across the nation .

She's also been compared to concentration camp victims, in her current emaciated condition, after just a week without food. Presently she's down to 230 pounds already, and dwindling fast. At this rate she'll be looking good again in about two months, perhaps achieving her former purging weight of 120 pounds by early June.

Protesters outside the hospice have heard her cries as well, and made plans to rush the facility in an attempt to free Terri from her ungodly torment. The frontline of those courageous individuals is composed of cripples and mental defectives, who are preparing to send their wheelchairs and stretchers hurtling at insane velocities towards the double doors of her prison, in hopes of breaking through and freeing their sister.

Those same freedom fighters who once condemned the Republican right for doing everything in their power to crush the Americans with Disabilities Act, now realize that those right minded conservatives were just looking out for their well-being, and have taken them on as unlikely allies. They realize now how important it is to keep their mangled and dwindling bodies out of the line of sight of the beautiful people. Because those forward thinking conservatives knew all along how their less fortunate brethren must be protected from the scorn and ridicule of an unfeeling public. But underneath our disgust I suspect is the underlying fear that we ourselves could one day wind up like Terri Schiavo or perhaps Christopher Reeve, and become a constant reminder of the dangers of flaunting gods will (that's what you get for playing Superman or worshiping at the altar of beauty). And let's face it, no one wants to be reminded of those possibilities. Better we keep the physically infirm and mentally incompetent locked up in institutions where they belong lest they become an affront to our sensibilities.

Recently it's been revealed that poor Terri's skeleton shows a history of shattered bones, discerned through the use of the ancient method of divining rods, being practiced by experts outside her room at the hospice. These injuries were apparently sustained at the hands of that monstrous husband of hers. It isn't hard to believe that he was a wife beater and an abuser of women. In all likelihood Terri's condition was the result of a failed attempt by Michael to finish her off for good. He just couldn't stand that smell of vomit breath, and her tendency to soil the sheets after drinking a six-pack of Ex-Lax before bedtime, and made up his mind to do her in. But Terri is a fighter and she refuse to succumb.

Tragically with the help of that liberal bastard Judge Greer, who pretends to be a Christian right to life advocate, Michael Schiavo will finally be able to finish off his angelic wife, while the brothers Bush, governor and president respectively, stand idly by their hands tied and powers rendered impotent by the bloodthirsty Liberals. Much the way the noble Romans were forced to acquiesce to the baying of the Jews for the blood of Christ. And history repeats itself. Oh for shame, what's happened to America?

But as all good Christians know, Terri will rise from her grave, just as Jesus did. She has made the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, and she will surely be rewarded with a ride in God's chariot straight up that express elevator to the kingdom of heaven.


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