How the Rangers got ripped, and a Bush bin Laden barbecue.

I have recently received some first-hand information, from U.S. Army Airborne Ranger LRP's (long-range recon patrol's) with the 75th Ranger Regiment. According to what these sources have stated, strictly off the record of course, after sightings of Osama bin Laden were relayed to them from "reliable sources," in the mountains of Afghanistan in late in 2001, they prepared to call in reinforcements and move in on his reported position. But at the last minute they received orders from "the very top brass" to stand down and let special Afghani forces "investigate" the reported sightings. According to these military sources, the Rangers never engaged in any follow up on this bin Laden information even though they were not deployed in any other significant military operations at that particular time, and the source who provided this information never contacted them again, apparently disappearing never to be heard from again.

Shortly after this incident, a number of these paratroopers were ordered to sign state secrecy agreements concerning what they saw, herd and were told regarding this incident. Any violation of these agreements would constitute treasonous actions on their part which could leave them facing the death penalty if they ever revealed said information.

Today, as in the past, this issue is being put forth as "bungling, flawed strategy and intelligence lapses" on the part of US officials. It seems that if you believe these assertions and others regarding our intelligence forces, we surely have the most incompetent and ineffectual intelligence operatives and military commanders on the face of the planet... if you believe these assertions. Not that I would ever promote conspiracy theories.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8853000/site/newsweek/

http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/0304/p01s03-wosc.html

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/24/pentagon.binladen/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A62618-2002Apr16


Now that I have the fluff out of the way I can get to the latest insider Osama update and the real juicy stuff.


Still on his whirlwind worldwide tour, bin Laden's relationship with George W. Bush and the Bush administration has never been better, but lately there's been some trouble reported in paradise. It seems Osama has been at odds with the US Secret Service agents who biannually smuggle him and the whole bin Laden clan into Bush's Crawford ranch for their regularly scheduled strategy and policy discussions with the president over a Texas style barbecue (dry rub ribs and armadillo pie).

Apparently Bush's protection unit has had to restrain Osama's little brother, Mohammed bin Laden, a number of times after he and George have gotten into heated arguments over which region has a hotter climate, Central Saudi Arabia or Midland Texas. These altercations, which seem to always take place after the younger bin Laden and Dubya have imbibed in a few too many Lone Stars, led the Secret Service to begin restricting the amount of beer served at these gatherings. Sources tell us that this move has angered Osama and especially the president, who was heard to state in response to the proposed beer cap "who do they think they are, Barbara?"

On a lighter note, it seems Laura has become quite close with several of Osama's wives especially Amal al-Sadah, Osama's favorite, going so far as to exchanging potato salad and couscous recipes. Though Mrs. bin Laden still wears the traditional abaya and veil keeping her face covered most of the time, Laura has begun advising "Amaly", as she has taken to calling her, on the finer points of applying makeup, even convincing her to where lipstick, much to the chagrin of her husband.

On the youth front, rumor has it that bin Laden's eldest son Saad has become quite smitten with one of the Bush sisters, we won't say who...... Jenna, the wild one. But unfortunately wedding bells are not in the offing given the two families competing fundamentalist religious beliefs which have created irreconcilable matrimonial issues.

It seems Osama likes to josh around with the president, saying he was most responsible for George's reelection in 2004. But Dubya just jokingly chides the elder bin Laden right back with the scathing retort "shut up you overgrown towel head, or I'll give your jihadist ass to the FDNY."

"They always get a big laugh out of that," says Laura.

The two families have become so close that the bin Laden's are considering buying the property adjacent to the Crawford ranch in Texas so that Osama and Dubya can live out those golden retirement years together, reliving the glory days.